It’s over a week ago now, but it’s still ingrained in my memory!
I’d been taken prisoner by Imperial forces, and was chained upside down to some kind of metal cage in – frankly – the Death Star. And it was amazing, it looked great – all shiny and grey with those strange elongated lights in all the right places! Anyway, I wasn’t scared because I could see Han Solo and Chewbacca coming to rescue me. Except it wasn’t them – it was actually Han’s wayward eldest son (wait for it) Julian, and Chewbacca’s nephew (no, really…) Robin!
They looked just like their more famous relatives, but had huge 1970s bouffants and big mutton chop sideburns. Especially Robin, who was particularly hairy even by Wookiee standards. Anyway, with stormtroopers striding around us, they ‘blasted’ me out of my prison and snuck me away to a little Rebel hidey-hole, where I met Luke Skywalker! And this time it was the genuine article, aged 50! Except he had chronic psoriasis and a gammy leg. And then it went a bit weird, and R2-D2 started bringing round sausage rolls and pork pies on a serving trolley. And I had to explain to Robin The Wookiee that I was actually a vegetarian.
Anyway, to celebrate my release I’ve bought two more vintage 1977 action figures on Ebay – a mint condition R2-D2 (pork pie accessories not included) and a sort-of-nearly-mint condition R5-D4. Complete with authentic faulty motivator, I’m trusting.
And! And! And! ‘Wiffle Lever To Full! – The Movie’ is now complete! It’s in three parts, and the first sight of it has already prompted me to get my hair cut and start a punishing fitness regime. It’s very funny though, and even has a proper special effect. All being well we’ll have it on Youtube today or tomorrow.
A long time ago, in a front room far, far away…
Wiffle Lever To Full! 
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